Hope and Faith

One of the greatest gifts I have been given is HOPE and one of the most challenging gifts I have been given is FAITH. HOPE to me is believing every day there is a purpose for each of us here on earth, believing good things come to those who wait, believing God puts people in your life exactly when needed and while we may not know or may not understand everything our FAITH should be unwavering knowing that God has our best interest at heart and will never leave us or forsake.

As our wait lengthens, at times my emotions are like that of a child on a rollercoater. I constantly remind myself to focus on my wins (a profound quote compliments of a very dear friend) and know that each day I am preparing for my daughter and that I have a choice in...the preparation.

We wait patiently (some days) for our greatest gift of all...our daughter.

What am I to Learn

As the wait time increases I often ask myself, 'What is the lesson in all of this?' I am certain there is plenty to glean from this entire experience. As I have mentioned in an earlier blog ... I am not very patient. However, I am certain each day there is a lesson to be learned, if I will only listen, as we wait for our little bundle of joy. Please know I am thankful for David, the life we have created, and the future we live for each and every day. I am also thankful for my job, the wonderful people I work with, and the opportunities I have been given.

My faith is tested in many facets every day. As for the growth of our family I struggle with what to do, do we do anything, are we taking the right path, or should we expand our options. I am certain adoption is our plan, but again for myself and for David it is just not happening fast enough (in our opinion). I have to wonder if we are missing something. Maybe I have not been faithful, maybe I have not listened closely enough, and even been disobedient in some ways. My prayer is that God would speak to my heart. I need peace, guidance, and understanding. I have pondered other options, but I am not sure that is our plan. I feel I may be reacting to our situation and not listening with an open heart to the gentle voice I long to hear.

No matter where I have been in life I have always leaned on my faith. Whether attending church regularly or not, being prayerful or not, longing for God's embrace or pushing him away...I know He is walking along side me every step of the way even if I don't welcome Him because praying, opening my heart, starting to feel again is sometimes so much more painful then the denial I have chosen to live in for several years now.

Over the past few weeks during Lent I have commanded myself to BE HONEST. Be honest with myself, how I feel, why I feel the way I do, and choose to feel the way I want to what ever that may be, oh and be happy with who I am (inside and out).

Since my grandmother's passing in December 2004 and the long journey over the past 4 years (tests, decisions, waiting, more waiting, the roller coaster of emotions, and the part of the story that is untold because it is still unfolding) I have become a changed person. With each of my life's experiences, at some point in my journey from a child to an adult, I have tried to embrace them and find the lesson. These two very painful experiences that have occured over the past 4 years have been so much more challenging than I could have ever imagined. First, I have never truly lost anyone so close to me and secondly, never been so out of control of a situation in my life (at least so astutely aware of it). I have not wanted to accept the death of my grandmother, however, I say to myself~ 'surely an edcuated woman knows better than to live in denial this way'~but this has been a fairly safe place for me for 4 years.

I have found to move forward I can not live there any more. I must feel all the feelings surrounding both experiences and glean. I cannot think about my grandmother without tears streaming down my face. As far as the adoption goes~my heart is hard at times and terribly frustrated with the increasingly LONG wait. So to prevent the feelings I simply buried them telling myself, 'Grandmama is in a better place and God has a chosen child for us and we cannot learn who she is until God is ready to show us'. I still believe these very things, however I am trying to feel what it means now versus just using it for lip service to comfort myself. Meaning that my grandmother is truly in the most wonderful of places being fed daily by God and our daughter has been handpicked by God to be cared for by us so we must wait and it will be perfect in His time.

Now with all of that being said...I DO have faith that I will see my grandmother again and that God is preparing our way to China each and every day. I fall off the wagon at times just like many of you I am certain, this time has been more lengthy and more challenging for me than in the past. I have allowed the devil to fill my head with rubbish, believe it and own it even when I should not. The past few weeks I have spent as much time in reflection as often as possible sometimes even when I have not realized it and I catch myself thinking and maybe even healing a little. Today, I had a conversation with an individual that lifted me in ways I could not imagine. It was a simple conversation. The individual said to me 'I understand, I have felt it, sometimes you have to withdrawl to heal, it's okay'. These words impacted me so much that I feel a piece of me healed today with those very words. I am not sure which piece but I know I healed. I feel it. There are many families built by God through adoption and I have come to know many who have experienced this wonderful blessing.

I hope one day I am able to bless others as I have been blessed. My passion is to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter.

Update on Our wait time...

This is a long post, but many of you ask, 'why is the wait so long', 'when will you have your daughter', etc. Here is a snippet of what we are dealing with. Thank you to everyone who continues to lift us up in prayers as right now I need it. I struggle with the wait and know that there is a reason. Often times we do not see why right away or ever for that matter. I know God has a plan, but some days are simply unbearablely painful. I hide in many fashions from this pain, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult to truly hide it. My faith is tested every day, but I know this is our plan. Please continue to remember me in your prayers! This is what we received from our Agency. There are many factors that determine when we will get to see our precious daughter.

How many days did the CCAA match for March referrals?

The CCAA has not yet confirmed with agencies the cut-off date for the last group of non-special needs referrals received by agencies. Because America World’s next group to receive referrals are logged in on 3/7/06 and we did not receive referrals, we can assume that the CCAA matched a few more days, but did not match through 3/7/06. It is our current estimate that the CCAA may have matched through 3/6/06 for the March referrals, but we will not officially know until the CCAA posts this information for agencies.

The CCAA continues to process an average of 2-6 dates each month. ( in most cases) The matching is based upon how many referrals that the CCAA has paper-ready to be matched with families from around the world who are logged in on specific dates. As soon as the CCAA posts the cut-off date for the March referrals, we will post this updated information on the blog.

Who is Next To be Matched?

America World’s next group to be matched have a LID of 3/7/06. We estimate that families in this LID group may receive their referrals in April if the CCAA processed through the 3/5/06 or 3/6/06 LID’s. Once we have the official March Log in Dates that were matched, we will have a better estimate of this.

America World has the following March 2006 LID’s that have not yet been matched by the CCAA:
• March 7, 2006
• March 13, 2006
• March 16, 2006
• March 22, 2006
• March 24, 2006
• March 27, 2006
• March 28, 2006
Please note that though the above dates represent the LID’s for AWAA families, there are other families from other agencies around the world who are logged in on other dates throughout the month of March. The CCAA issues LID’s to agencies throughout the entire month as agencies send their dossiers to the CCAA.

Where is the CCAA in the Dossier Review Process?

The CCAA has finished the review of dossiers and paperwork registered with their office in March of 2007. The timeframe for the dossier review process will vary as it is based upon the number of dossiers that are logged in during the particular month that is currently under review. Because the CCAA has completed the March 2007 dossier review, it is likely that the CCAA is currently reviewing dossiers for April of 2007, though the CCAA does not report to agencies which month(s) they are currently reviewing.

What is the Current Wait Time?

The current wait from LID to referral is 37 months at all agencies and increasing. This represents the wait time for families who could potentially receive a referral in April. The wait time is calculated from the Log in Date when a dossier is sent to China, to the date that the referral is received. For families with LID dates after March 7, 2006, the wait time trend continues to increase half a month to a full month each month.

No one can accurately predict how long the China wait time will become or when it may start to decrease due to a large number of unknown factors, such as the following:
• the number of infants that will be available for adoption and paper ready within the upcoming year
• the number of domestic adoptions that will occur within China this year
• the number of families from around the world who have login dates between the last referral LID and today
• the number of families who will withdraw from the China adoption process due to the increased wait time
• the number of families who will adopt special needs children and will no longer have their dossier waiting in the non-special needs line
• the number of families who will switch programs during their process and no longer adopt from China
Families are encouraged to calculate their wait time as a projected estimation, knowing there is no way to predict the actual wait time for each family. The wait time changes as it is based on the number of LID’s from around the world and the number of referrals that are paper-ready each month.
America World will continue to report monthly wait time trends. Families should continue to anticipate a long wait for a healthy referral.

Christmas Tag

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Definitely Hot Chocolate with Marshmellows.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just put them under the tree? Puts them under the tree for good little boys and girls to see first thing upon rising.

3. Lights on tree/house ~ colored or white? white and white

4. Do you put up mistletoe? Nope.

5. When do you put your Christmas decorations up? When we decorate the day after Thanksgiving or the weekend afer.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Mama's sweet potato casserole.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?My sister and I sleeping in the same bed on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to arrive.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't recall.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Not usually.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? With red and silver balls, old vintage glass ornaments, white lights, and other random ornaments.

11. Snow, love it or dread it? I like it if I can stay home and enjoy it. My Lab loves it!!

12. Can you ice skate? Nope, but David wants to teach me so we can teach our daughter.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? A heart shaped ring that Santa brought me. I still have it!

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays for you? Getting together on Christmas Eve with my family and spending time with my husband.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? I don't have one.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?My sister and I sleeping together the night before Christmas waiting for Santa.

17. What tops your tree?We put a white angel.

18. Do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving hands down!!!!

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? Oh Chistmas Tree

20. Candy canes, yum or yuck?YUMMO! Yummy and I love Edys's Peppermint Ice cream.

21. What do you want for Christmas? A daughter.

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas party? Many.

23. Do you dress up for Christmas Eve, or wear pj's? both.

24. Do you own a Santa hat? I think I do but I don't know where it is.

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with? My family!

Friend in China

Please click on the link to the left that says Fireworks and Fireflies. A friend of ours is currently in China to receive their son. She is posting as often as possible and they should have 'Gotcha Day' tonight sometime because China is 12 hours ahead of us.

Sigh...

It is with a heavy heart that I write. I try to keep a positive outlook on when we will get to bring our daughter home. I constantly tell myself: this is perfect there is plenty of time to do this or that and it will make things so much better when our daughter is here. You see as I mentioned in a previous blog...patience is not my strong suit, but I have tried so very hard to exude patience throughout this process. I know it will certainly happen just as it is suppose to. We received word that the current wait time is 32 to 33 months based on the referrals that are being completed at this time (February 2006) and the wait time continues to increase half a month to a month every month. Based on this we could be looking at a four year wait from our long in date or longer. (LID March 28, 2008-currently we have only been waiting 6 months) I know having faith will carry us through, but as the world without children continues to revolve around us some days recently have been harder than others. I am certainly blessed to have a wonderful job, work with wonderful people, a loving family, the best husband anyone could ask for, and three precious dogs that give love unconditionally. I remind myself daily how blessed I am and I truly believe this! Please continue to pray that God will grant us and all the families in waiting, peace beyond understanding during this long process.

Family in Need

I have never met this family but my heart goes out to them. As David and I wait for the blissful day that we get to meet our daughter I cannot imagine what this family is feeling. Their blog shares a wide range of what they are going through and is very encouraging in so many ways. They have pulled together with the appropriate people in China to care for this child. I have added a new link to the 'Other Blog' section, Hope for Susannah. Susannah is a child in need of your prayers. She has a forever family who is in China with her right now waiting to bring her home but she is very sick. Her parents went to bring her home only to find out that she was in the hospital. China has been working with the family to complete all the necessary paperwork so she can come home with her forever family when she is well enough. Please click on the link to the left and join me in praying for this family and their daughter.

Moving Right Along...

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with their office before February 9, 2006.

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents (dossiers) registered with their office before January 31, 2007.

Every child that is placed puts us one step closer to our child.

I am getting acclimated to my new job. I am really enjoying my role.

Away too Long...

I know many of you are wondering where in the world have I been. Well, I started a new job at the beginning of July and have been trying to get acclimated to five days a week instead of three twelve hour shifts (or should I say 14 or 16 hour shifts). I absolutely love my new job. The people are so warm and inviting. There is a true desire for success and a genuine care and concern for the employees. I know without a doubt that this was the move I was suppose to make. David is longing for the day I get into a routine, but nonetheless he supports all my endeavors with love.

As far as our adoption goes...still no news for us on the horizon, but it is about 2 years too soon. The wait time is around 30 months right now. So we are looking at the Fall of 2010 to hopefully travel and hold our daughter for the first time. It could be sooner or later than this estimate, but either way...we know it will be the perfect timing so that we are able to bring our God given child home. The Olympic games were always on at our house. I lost a great deal of sleep while they were on. It was amazing to catch some glimpses of our daughter's culture. David and I long to walk the streets, smell the smells, and take in all the sounds and sites of China. At times it was hard to contain myself during the Olympics. We both wanted to rush over to China (as if it is only a hop, skip, and a jump away) just to be in our daughter's country. I have purchased the opening ceremony DVD and plan to share it with our daughter one day. I have also gathered little trinkets for her related to her culture over the past year. I bought three books that help teach colors, shapes, and numbers. Each book has an Asian theme to it. I love them. They are brightly colored with wonderful pictures. I cannot wait to read them to our daughter.

Until next time...May God be with you all and in all you do!